i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
