I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
