Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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