Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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