is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
