Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
