hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
