Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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