So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
