Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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