your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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