nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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