walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
