Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
