So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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