So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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