Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
