my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
