I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
