So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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