Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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