I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You pole danced in your parka.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
