where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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