I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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