you traded sex for a burrito?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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