We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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