I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
