Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
