At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
