just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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