He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
