No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
