This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
