ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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