Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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