Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I'm really busy with my period
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