Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
