i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
