So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
