Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize