My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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