I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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