did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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