sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
