I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
