you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
