Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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