i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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