i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
