my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
