Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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